Today was the first significant snow that we’ve had in Northeast Ohio for the season. Today is also the last weekend before Christmas, meaning two things: everyone is out shopping and everyone is driving extremely poorly. It is snowing outside, so naturally everyone now is into the Christmas spirit, and now everyone feels the desire to get out and do stuff.
Given the season, there are a variety of different shoppers out now. Each breed of shopper is unique and can be spotted at your local mall or shopping outlet. Some can be seen at your local state liquor agency as well, but more on that later.
“Holy shit, it is the last weekend before Christmas and I haven’t started shopping” shopper.
“Holy shit, it is December 24th and I haven’t started shopping” shopper.
“I’m at the mall having coffee, but not shopping and proud of it” shopper.
“How does this work and is this a suitable gift in your opinion?” shopper
“Clerk conversationalist” shopper.
“I’m dreaming of a White Russian” shopper.
The “Holy shit, it is the last weekend before Christmas and I haven’t started shopping” shopper. This is the kind of shopper you see out now en masse, because for whatever the reason, they have failed to make any prior effort to get any shopping done until today. Sure, there are plenty of legitimate reasons: work, family affairs, extramarital affairs, and so forth. This is the guy that looks quite nervous looking around at every store window trying to figure out what to get his wife and kids. Not that he is a bad person, but certainly because he has been too busy.
The “Holy shit, it is December 24th and I haven’t started shopping” shopper. You will not see this person until next week, but beware. This is the guy with the road rage that is frantically trying to get to the different stores amidst the backup of traffic. He is also the one that is walking quite briskly (if not at a jog or a run) when in the mall, and is the guy that is constantly looking at his watch and shifting on his feet while standing in line. No one really knows the reason why this person does not shop until December 24th, as these people tend to be repeaters. I have family that qualifies as this kind of shopper, and though they are busy people, they are not so busy that they would have to wait until Christmas Eve. An explanation is still being sought.
The “I’m at the mall having coffee, but not shopping and proud of it” shopper. These are the people that have finished their shopping and are all laughs and smiles at the coffee shop. They were smart enough to get their shopping done early or through an online store weeks in advance. They really have no reason to be at the mall, but often can be seen in groups of other like minded individuals observing the two aforementioned individuals running around aimlessly. While it has been rumored they take pleasure in the misery of those people who have not finished their shopping, no evidence can support that theory.
The “How does this work and is this a suitable gift in your opinion?” shopper. This is the shopper that gets to the top of the line and then proceeds to ask twenty questions about the product being purchased instead of asking someone working the floor. Upon receiving those answers, they then ask the clerk if they believe the gift they are buying is appropriate for whoever is receiving the gift. A good salesman, the answer is usually “yes”, though there are the occasional clerks that do go out of their way to answer that question in depth. By this time, there are twenty people backed up in the line, and upon the departure of this person, it is accompanied by many apologies from the clerk. The usual response is “well, it is the season”.
The “Clerk conversationalist”. This is not to be confused with the “How does this work and is this a suitable gift in your opinion?” shopper though the effects tend to be the same. These are the people that insist on having a conversation with the clerk, completely oblivious to the fact that there are twenty other people waiting in line. It is always nice to speak with the clerks and share a few words. That is not the problem here. Some, however, can go on for five or ten minutes after making their purchase while the rest of the line sits there waiting.
“I’m dreaming of a White Russian”. This is the shopper that has conceded the season and has in turn gone to the bar to forget the madness that is Christmas. You may hear some grumbling about the holiday rush and/or in-laws that are causing problems. On one occasion, there was a Santa Claus who was hanging outside the state liquor agency drinking a bottle of vodka from a brown paper bag a few days before Christmas. I kid you not, this happened when I was about seven years old when we stopped at the liquor store on South Avenue to pick up some wine for a Christmas party. I quickly realized that even Santa Claus needed a break from the holidays, though it often had plagued my mind how he could fly a sleigh and reindeer if he could barely stand up.
These are only a handful of the many varieties of shoppers out there, but these are the most obvious to even the most novice of observers. If you are out and about the next week, observe the people around you. You might spot some of these individuals, or you may be one yourself like I am. I am usually the “Holy shit, it is a week before Christmas and I haven’t started shopping” variety myself, though it has been the occasion where I’d be out on the 24th.
Merry Christmas, but there is more to come,
The Mang
Conservative Capo of Youngstown, local Grinch, and pain in the ass shopper.
Given the season, there are a variety of different shoppers out now. Each breed of shopper is unique and can be spotted at your local mall or shopping outlet. Some can be seen at your local state liquor agency as well, but more on that later.
“Holy shit, it is the last weekend before Christmas and I haven’t started shopping” shopper.
“Holy shit, it is December 24th and I haven’t started shopping” shopper.
“I’m at the mall having coffee, but not shopping and proud of it” shopper.
“How does this work and is this a suitable gift in your opinion?” shopper
“Clerk conversationalist” shopper.
“I’m dreaming of a White Russian” shopper.
The “Holy shit, it is the last weekend before Christmas and I haven’t started shopping” shopper. This is the kind of shopper you see out now en masse, because for whatever the reason, they have failed to make any prior effort to get any shopping done until today. Sure, there are plenty of legitimate reasons: work, family affairs, extramarital affairs, and so forth. This is the guy that looks quite nervous looking around at every store window trying to figure out what to get his wife and kids. Not that he is a bad person, but certainly because he has been too busy.
The “Holy shit, it is December 24th and I haven’t started shopping” shopper. You will not see this person until next week, but beware. This is the guy with the road rage that is frantically trying to get to the different stores amidst the backup of traffic. He is also the one that is walking quite briskly (if not at a jog or a run) when in the mall, and is the guy that is constantly looking at his watch and shifting on his feet while standing in line. No one really knows the reason why this person does not shop until December 24th, as these people tend to be repeaters. I have family that qualifies as this kind of shopper, and though they are busy people, they are not so busy that they would have to wait until Christmas Eve. An explanation is still being sought.
The “I’m at the mall having coffee, but not shopping and proud of it” shopper. These are the people that have finished their shopping and are all laughs and smiles at the coffee shop. They were smart enough to get their shopping done early or through an online store weeks in advance. They really have no reason to be at the mall, but often can be seen in groups of other like minded individuals observing the two aforementioned individuals running around aimlessly. While it has been rumored they take pleasure in the misery of those people who have not finished their shopping, no evidence can support that theory.
The “How does this work and is this a suitable gift in your opinion?” shopper. This is the shopper that gets to the top of the line and then proceeds to ask twenty questions about the product being purchased instead of asking someone working the floor. Upon receiving those answers, they then ask the clerk if they believe the gift they are buying is appropriate for whoever is receiving the gift. A good salesman, the answer is usually “yes”, though there are the occasional clerks that do go out of their way to answer that question in depth. By this time, there are twenty people backed up in the line, and upon the departure of this person, it is accompanied by many apologies from the clerk. The usual response is “well, it is the season”.
The “Clerk conversationalist”. This is not to be confused with the “How does this work and is this a suitable gift in your opinion?” shopper though the effects tend to be the same. These are the people that insist on having a conversation with the clerk, completely oblivious to the fact that there are twenty other people waiting in line. It is always nice to speak with the clerks and share a few words. That is not the problem here. Some, however, can go on for five or ten minutes after making their purchase while the rest of the line sits there waiting.
“I’m dreaming of a White Russian”. This is the shopper that has conceded the season and has in turn gone to the bar to forget the madness that is Christmas. You may hear some grumbling about the holiday rush and/or in-laws that are causing problems. On one occasion, there was a Santa Claus who was hanging outside the state liquor agency drinking a bottle of vodka from a brown paper bag a few days before Christmas. I kid you not, this happened when I was about seven years old when we stopped at the liquor store on South Avenue to pick up some wine for a Christmas party. I quickly realized that even Santa Claus needed a break from the holidays, though it often had plagued my mind how he could fly a sleigh and reindeer if he could barely stand up.
These are only a handful of the many varieties of shoppers out there, but these are the most obvious to even the most novice of observers. If you are out and about the next week, observe the people around you. You might spot some of these individuals, or you may be one yourself like I am. I am usually the “Holy shit, it is a week before Christmas and I haven’t started shopping” variety myself, though it has been the occasion where I’d be out on the 24th.
Merry Christmas, but there is more to come,
The Mang
Conservative Capo of Youngstown, local Grinch, and pain in the ass shopper.
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